Midgets, Giants & Men.

Ok, it’s time for drunk stories!

Thought I’d better write about the “Midget Incident” before the facts get lost in time, and the real story gets muddled into urban myth.

It would’ve been somewhere between 3am and 4 am, after the giddy bright lights of the now infamous Slippery Pink opening and then a big night trawling the back alley bars in Melbourne. We ended up at a very seedy, smokey pub in China Town.

Wasn’t a bad drinking hole- if all you wanted was beer.

After a few jugs, and heated discussion on the pro and con’s of the hated Dr Phil and his big fat head, I visited the men’s room.

There were 3 cisterns. The far one being occupied by a tallish dude. As etiquette dictates, I went to the furthest cistern and proceeded with my duties.

I then heard the pitter-patter of 2 pairs of feet enter the toilets.

One of the new arrivals approached the tall dude, and said:

“Hey man, that chick out there is totally into you! She’s yours!”

“Yeah, she’s totally into British guys!” his companion added.

The tall guy mumbled something with a British accent, trying to be falsely humble.

‘Nah man, she’s totally into English meat!”

“Yeah, she’s totally yours! You’ll be fucking her tonight!”

For some unknown reason I decided to pipe in.

“They’re right. Even I heard she’s quite fond of you,” I piped.

It was only at this stage that I actually turned my head to have a look at the 2 guys who’d entered after me.

It took me a few seconds to register it, but they were MIDGETS!

Now I’m not a tall guy by any means. 5 foot 7 or something. I reckon these 2 guys came up to my chest. They weren’t dwarves, more like little seedy-pub gnomes. And they had that rock/goff long hair.

Anyway, after my pithy contribution to the conversation, the lead (or alpha) midget turned to me and said:

“Hey, this is a private discussion. It don’t concern you!”

“Yeah, stay out of it!” Midget #2 advised me.

Returning my attention to what I was doing, I coolly replied, “Hey, it was just what I heard on the street. Just what I heard.”

Then I’m not sure what happened. I think the Midgets pitter-pattered out of there, leaving the tall British dude and I to complete our separate urinal disposals.

We wished each other a good night at the washbasins, and I returned to my table.

It was about 10 mins later that it dawned on me that I nearly got into a fight with 2 Midgets in the john!

When I told my drinking companions what had transpired they looked at me like I was on Angel Dust. But when we looked around the room- there they were! 2 pub gnomes running around with beers in their hands. I also spotted the British dude at a table with some smacked-out looking skank.

Then we drank some more and the midgets were forgotten.

In fact I’d forgotten about all of it until we were having a quiet bevy the next afternoon. Like the suns’ rays cutting through cloud, the memory came flooding back.

And the weird thing? In the toilets of that pub I saw a GIANT!!

This time I chose to keep my mouth shut.